To Chithurst Buddhist Monastery, With Thanks

The first came over the first few days. As I meditated and felt the natural pain one feels after sitting unmoving for an hour or two at a time, for the first times ever, one of the monks suggested I follow the pain instead of my breath (the initial aim of ones’ attention at the beginning). It was from this shift of attention that this first insight arose. I sat still, mentally paying attention to the pain in my back and slowly becoming aware of how the pain was shaping like a flame, and how it seemed to flicker upwards from the base of my back, where the pain seemed to emanate from. As I continued to pay attention to it, I noticed I was no longer actually feeling the pain, I was just watching the flickering of this flame rise, fall, and expand out in different directions. Until, over time, the pain actually passed! And, I found I was paying attention to something else altogether, without any pain at all, even though I had not physically moved at all, and had been sitting cross-legged then for probably over an hour. It felt like a miracle.

The second insight came from being able to get to a point of awareness, in the meditation, where I could step back from being involved in the story of my thoughts. I was able to observe ‘my’ thoughts just emerge from nowhere (my subconscious) and, as long as I didn’t attach myself to and go along with any of these thoughts, they would just pass by as if on a conveyor belt and disappear. Another thought then entering upon the conveyor belt of my mind and passing through, again untouched. It was amazing. I had no control over their emergence and if I could just stay in awareness of these thoughts, then I had no attachment to them either. They just came and went. Unless, it seemed, I decided to select and pay attention to any one of these thoughts and make it and its connections become part of my lived experience. There seemed to be the twin realities of awareness and conscious choice. This insight set me very clearly towards the place I exist in now, where thoughts (and emotions) exist and pass in each moment of my life but have no power over me, beyond the moment of their arising or at most a few minutes afterwards, depending on the emotion attached. Or whether I select a thought to grow. What an experience it was. 

The final insight, which was less concrete but was equally mesmerizing, if not more so, came after I meditated for the longest I had then, which was for about 2 and a half hours. As I opened my eyes, I just experienced the most incredible sense of space and light. It was truly incredible. And I had gained it from just sitting still for a couple of hours on a mat, with my thoughts. It filled me with an incredible sense of joy and value. I have refused the word bored ever since (as my kids are very well aware of, and they know why!!).

So, all these years later, I now live just a few kms away from Chithurst. Yesterday, on my first return, I chose one of the books they offer freely to guests to read. I read a book entitled ‘Gratitude’, written by Ajahn Sumedho, which seemed appropriate given how grateful I was feeling. Grateful not only that I had those insights those years ago and for the path that they had helped lead me down, but also just for the fact that such a welcoming place still exists in the world today. Yesterday, I visited this beautiful forest retreat, I meditated, I read, I just sat, I walked, I chatted with a few lay guests, and I even ate – courtesy of the donations that are made for the monks and the lay community – and I left. To return. Amazing.
  

I have come back to the UK for many reasons but a major one is to ‘be’ here to slowly help where I can, through the work at Twenty2Beyond. The spirit of Chithurst and the spirit of the words you are about to read from Ajahn Sumedho will inform the work I do, as I, from just a few kms away, continue to be informed by Chithurst itself. I really am grateful.

“One thing was very clear: the Buddha stated that all conditions are impermanent. So, I was determined to understand impermanence, not through thinking about it, but through watching it. Naturally, these mental states were impermanent – they came and went. Eventually, through patient endurance, the resentments and the fears accumulated over 31 years of life began to cease. I began to feel a sense of relief and lightness as I learned how to simply observe conditions as they arise and cease in the present moment. This led to an understanding of suffering, which is the first Noble Truth.

I have applied this insight throughout my life… Different situations would bring up various emotions or feelings – some positive, some negative – but the main focus was always on the impermanence of the condition rather than grasping it, or just trying to dismiss it.

This bore great benefits. It led to understanding how to let go of conditioned phenomena and to profound insights into the Dhamma that the Buddha proclaimed in his first sermon. This is, of course, because it is a practical teaching based on something that is ordinary in life: suffering. It is something that you can prove to yourself by investigating the source – the natural state beyond these conditions that arise and cease, the pure consciousness and awareness. You begin to see that this is what ‘anatta’ is. This is non-self. This is not a personal possession or personal identity. The actual teachings… began to resonate with me in a way that wasn’t just an intellectual exercise, trying to understand and figure out through thinking, but from the actual ability to have profound insights [].” (Ajahn Sumedho)

At Twenty2Beyond, what I refer to as active awareness will be a key component of any work we do. I will explain what this means to me in my next post. Suffice to say, for now, that it does not mean simply sitting still, cross legged, paying attention to your breath. But, more on this to come. For now, I am just grateful someone told me about Chithurst, that I went, that I had those experiences, that they have informed my journey ever since (to lesser and greater extents), and that Chithurst still exists now and I could sit there recently, utterly at peace, enjoying the place and the people there again. Thank you, thank you very much.